Tuesday, January 30, 2007


General is on holiday.

Me and Mrs General are on holiday.

I am blogging from a far off land.

Amazing eh?

Don't worry, I am keeping up the British front, drinking beers in the sun and generally relaxing on your behalf.

Sunday, January 14, 2007


Proper prior planning prevents piss poor performance.

"Hey General, you have a nice Christmas and new year?"
"Yeah I did, I got married."
"Are you mad? Didn't you get so shafted when you got divorced last time, the only thing you walked away with was a garden spade and the mountain bike your parents brought you for your 18th?"
"Correctamundo.Well, I did get to keep my J reg clio as well."
"Christ, didn't you do well."
"No really,this time it's for real, it's for forever man."
"good on you Gen...Bet mrs. Gens really happy?"
"Yes...until I just phoned her. 12 hours ago I was honeymooning in 5 star luxury, I just got my phonecall in to say I'm gonna be home about 2 am, there's two crack smokin' house burglars waiting for me to deal with down the block and only me on duty on the crew. Ho-hum. Such is life."

"Any plans for the new year Gen?"
"Well yes...erm..well I had my annual appraisal with DS wise bloke just before Christmas and he said I should be going for promotion, so, I spoke with my woman and me mom and dad over Christmas and they said I should go for it so I think I might."
"I thought you had to have the request in before Christmas to take the exam in March?"

"Hey Gen, happy new year. Did I just hear you say that you wanted to do the Sergeants exam this year?" Juice boy, my trusted partner in crime entered the room.
"And a happy new year to you my very good friend. It is true, the Gen does want to put his jeans back in the drawer and put on those horrid itchy trousers once more."
"How you gonna do that when the closing date for the exam request was in early December?
"Juice boy, I have only been with you for just under thirty seconds of the new year and I already want to go and throw myself off a railway bridge. Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"
"I know that I am the best partner you ever had, but being able to read your mind is not one of my strongest attributes. How the fuck did I know you wanted to go for the sergeants promotion exam?"
"Are you sure?"
"Seeing as though I put in for it, yes, I am sure."
"I tell you something now juice boy, if you ever try to order me about if you get to be a sergeant, I will pan your head in in the back yard, then tear out your still-beating heart and throw it on your chest, smiling, whilst taking a video of you on my phone, then publishing it on the interweb."
"thanks for the vote of confidence...mate"
"I'm only joking, I'll just tell you to fuck off instead"

"Hey Gen, you could try a last-ditch attempt and email or phone the woman who sends the applications away to Centrex, her names Sally, she works in HQ"
"Juice boy, provide me with Sally's number and watch and learn my friend. This plea bargaining is going to be better than a coked up barrister paying off his student loan."

"I'll try the email option first. If I get a knock back, then I will try the charm offensive and then the downright begging. As a last resort, I might cry like a girl...or you juice boy."
"...following my annual appraisal...planning ahead for the forthcoming year...capitalising on feedback from my managers...didn't realise the urgent timescales...wondering whether you might accept a late application...professional plans for 2007 may be ruined...special circumstances...find it in your heart to allow the application in...would be most endebted to you...kind regards..."
"COMPUTER SAYS NO" came the reply in about a nanosecond, from a woman with a lot of power to wield.

"Give me that ladies number juice boy, please?"
"She knocked you back straight away? That's it gen, you're fucked."
"There is not a fat lady singing in here juice boy. Watch and listen "...ring ring...Hello?...(oh. she sounds scary. be polite gen.) Hello...its DC General here from fuckwit town CID, how are you? I trust you had a good new year?"
"Yes I did thankyou. How can I help you"
"I sent you an email about two minutes ago and I..."
"You cannot send in a late application. This is Centrex, not division."
"Madam, they now send rocket ships to photograph Mars, ears are grown on the back of mice and they can tell certain surnames from DNA. I'm sure that in some circumstances, they can make an exception to a rule. Have you even tried asking them?"
"Look DC General, I have turned down at least twenty other calls of exactly the same nature as yours and that was over four weeks ago. I cannot let you make a late application, I'm sorry."
"I will have to send my 8 year old back to her chimney sweeps job and sell my possessions then...no...don't worry about me madam...I can wait another year as a slave"
"I don't think it's really that bad DC General. Read force orders next time"
"I don't get the time madam, I am too busy keeping the division afloat and making sure my heart doesn't explode. But thanks for your time."
"Sorry DC general, but your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency"
"Happy new year." Click. bzzzzzzzzz.
"Fuckin jobsworth"

"That's it then gen. Slogging your guts out in the divisional CID office for another year then. Happy days"
"Yeah juice boy. Happy days. Make me a cuppa tea and then get the car warmed up, we've got two in for burglary and I'm in the mood for some interrogation."
"I'm afraid you're on your own gen, I've got four bailers in today and DS wise bloke says I've got to deal with them and get the file in. Sorry."
"Just the tea then? mate? best pal?"
"No tea bags gen"


General gets married.

I know. You'd think I should know better.

There were hearts breaking all over the world I tell you.

Sorry I've been quiet.

Oh and happy new year everyone.

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