Tuesday, October 31, 2006


General finds his emotional side...

"Gen, you're gonna love this. You have an 11 year old to deal with down the block." says the uniform response skipper with a smile on his face.
"Youre having a giraffe aren't you? I don't deal with children. Isn't he below the age of criminal responsibility, DOLI INCAPAX or somethin?" I thought, baffling the sarge with some Latin might help...
"No you plum, 10 is the age of criminal responsibility.10 to 14 you have to test whether they know right from wrong Gen."
"Yes I know that sarge thankyou. So whats this little erbert done then?"
"Stole someones motorbike and has been ragging it around the estate since 6 this morning until he was found by the owner of it wheeling it into his grans garden"
"Fucking great" said I, just relishing the opportunity to open up the highly trained expensive box of whupass interrogation skills I am known to possess. Not.

"Sarge, I am dealing with the foetus we have in cell 4. Why is he banging his door? Does he have no respect?"
"No gen. He called one of the custody sarges a lanky wanker and one of the custody staff a fat ugly cow bitch"
"I'd like to introduce myself to him if I may sarge"
"Fill yer boots Gen, be my guest..."

Two and a half foot tall, blonde skinhead, overweight, adidas tracky on. The kid had one of those double set of lips like he had normal lips then this bigger sore set of lips on the top and bottom where he sucked them and they were red raw.

"Hey kid..why you bangin the door and pressin the buzzer? Whats up?"
"get me a drink."
"No manners?"
"I want a phonecall."
"Manners cost nothing"
"I'm fucking hungry"
"You should have been at home munching some Weetabix rather than stealing someones bike then"
"Fuck off..When am I going home?"
"After I've interviewed you. You have to sit in the truth chair to answer my questions"
"just get me a drink now"
"You have no manners young man"
"What happened to your lips? You look like you are wearing your moms lipstick"
"My moms dead you idiot. Just because you look like Wayne Rooney..."

So I got him a drink, gave it him, he never said thanks.
I interviewed him, he denied the theft, but admitted the taking of it without consent. This kid was 11 and he absolutely knew what he was doing and that it was wrong. He smiled at me when he said "age is on my side isn't it officaaar?"
I didn't like this kid one bit. I wanted to hit him until he cried.

The emotion I used? PATIENCE.

Later that day, juice boy and I go to a burglars address in order to speak to him and make an arrangement for him to come in. It was Juice Boys shout, I was just backing him up.
He knocked the door and I saw a small boy come to the front window. The kid was about two. I looked into the window over his head and the place was in darkness, pitch black. The kid smiled at me. I mouthed the words "mommy or daddy?" as I raised my eyebrows and made my eyes wide and friendly.
After four or five minutes and more knocking, I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. The front door opened and a rank looking smackhead stared at me with her black lifeless eyes. I could see the bed creases where she had been asleep or gouching. White spittle had collected around her mouth and her pupils were like pin pricks. She was high on heroin and I saw it immediately.
Juice Boy started with the chatter about the bloke we wanted to talk to. This conversation melted away as I saw the little two year old boy come round the doorway.
He had the bluest eyes of an angel. His hair was naturally curly but it was matted together in places and filthy dirty. Grime and dirt were visible on his face but streaked where he had cried tears and wiped them away. Lines of black grime were deposited in the creases in the skin on his little neck.

He had no clothes on other than a nappy. The nappy was filthy. It was fastened around his hips but it was so full of excrement and urine that it hung, swinging between his legs nearly touching the floor. The faeces were smeared around his inner thighs and as far up his little tummy as his tummy button. His feet looked like the feet of an old tramp. He hadn't been fed and I could see his ribs sticking out further than his tummy. He smiled at me so I smiled at him right back. We shared a little moment me and that kid.

Conversation over. Juice Boy was happy, message delivered. I gave the smackhead a stare just a little bit longer than normal as we walked away. She knew I didn't like something. She probably didn't know what the fuck it was though.

Back in the nick. Intel report and one phonecall. The kid removed that night under emergency protection powers. Not for the first time either, I found out later.

The emotion I used? HUMILITY.

Same day. Just after 2200hrs. Just taking my kit off, ready to book off, looking for my car keys. URGENT ASSISTANCE. I had heard the call come in about the man with the samurai sword. I heard the control room say send unarmed response officers to assess in the first instance. I heard the update about more persons turning up at the scene. Sounded like organised violence? I heard the first car time on. I heard the shout.

Me, kit on, stabbie on, fleece on. In the plain car but it shifts and I made some good ground. There in less than 2 minutes. Fuckin large crowd 60, 70, 80?, no...3 crowds...and onlookers...park up short...get eyes on...assess the threat...make some decisions...use force Gen you will be justified...my legs are shaking...the feeling is familiar...adrenaline is pumping...my body is working as it should...good. My mates and colleagues...are they okay...anyone hurt? Where's the sword? Breathe Gen...open your eyes and see.

Target acquisition time. I was at the flank of the first crowd. I locked eyes on a clever and experienced PC. Black country lad, no stranger to a bit of rough and tumble. He looked straight at me. Without speaking I nodded in the direction of the mouthy, cocky prick at the front of the first crowd. Big arm gestures, aggressive, angry motions, shouting, goading,inviting conflict and expecting trouble. Black country lad nodded back just the slightest nod of recognition, he knew what I was going to do. He stepped forward to get in their line of sight. I slowly approached the back of the crowd. He stepped forward to offer some violence to Black country lad but didn't bank on the General coming from the back and using a diversion tactic on him. Using my open hand, I slapped this youth straight round the right cheek from behind...so hard he never knew what hit him. Then smashed him forwards with my body and me and black country lad took him straight to ground pin, rear handcuff, double lock, straight into the van. Have that you little cocky shitheel. Crowd 3 didn't know what the fuck to do then but run off.

Right. Crowd 2. Black country lad and me were now wing men. We never said it to each other, but we just stayed together and backed each other up. We were now forged together because we had been in battle together. It is a strange feeling that. Customer number two. Gobby bloke, aged 40, offering violence to a woman after being told loads of times to shut the fuck up and calm down. Bang. Have that 40 year old bloke. Yes that was me punching you in the face, tripping you over and handcuffing you. Ably assisted by the cannister of CS incapacitant from the blonde WPC to my right. I even had time to look at her arse to see if it was any good in those horrid trousers they wear. It was actually. Number 2 for affray. Black country lad right by my side.

Right crowd 3. Watch the flanks of my mates as they are struggling on the floor with a group scrapping. The coppers are getting control. Watch their flanks. Baseball cap boy. Corner of my eye, to the right, running in. No weapons. Bang. Yes that was me smacking you in the face, bending you over a wall, finding the mandibular angle. Black country lad doing the same. Ground pin, rear cuff, double lock, car. number 3 for affray.

Right. anyone else want some? Chaos to control in minutes. Check the troops anyone hurt? Wheres the sword? Move through the crowd, dispersing, they are scared of us now but it was the other way round a few minutes ago. It could have been much, much worse and nobody got hurt on our side apart from some CS tears. "Fuck me General, you can come out on our bus anytime you like mate"
"You lot can't come on CID, you can't fight."

Emotion used= AGGRESSION and WISDOM

Not a bad days work all in all. Went home, nipper was in bed, Mrs Gen was asleep, so I had a can of Fosters and reflected on my day, standing in my kitchen alone. "I wonder if I would get the same variety of emotions all in one day doing any other job? I wonder if I would be any good at any other job? What could I do? What if I lost my job, I wonder how I would pay my mortgage and look after my beloved family?" I thought, as I climbed the big wooden hill to bed.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


A conviction is a badge of honour...

"Young man, can I just say what a pleasure it is to hear an offender admit his crime and be responsible for his own actions...and you'd like to pay the victim £500 for the value of his car that you stole from the side of the road, put onto your scrap metal lorry and took to the scrap yard without asking?"
"erm yeah."
"My victim, "Mr HARDWORKING BLOKE" will be very pleased to hear this. Do you mind if I phone him and tell him?"
"Please do. I am sorry for the trouble I have caused and I fully admit this crime. I want to pay the money back to hardworking bloke for the value of the car I stole"

"Hello Hardworking bloke, General here...just ringing with some good news really...I locked up fat scrap metal thief bloke and guess what? he admitted the offence on interview and even better...he wants to pay you the money back, for the value of your car which he sold for scrap. I'm fucking ace aren't I?"

"Gen. I'm astounded. You are truly a fuckin top detective bloke. You managed to crack this young man with your interrogation skills and stealthy cop style?"
"well..erm..yes of course...well.. that and the kid just coughed it there and then because he has never been in trouble with the police before and he was a bit scared"
"amazing. And he wants to give me 500 nicker too?"
"yep. Shall I set up a meeting so that the kid can truly purge his soul and face you the victim? You could also put a face to the crime and be less worried?"
"Gen, thats a great idea. I thought I'd get nothing. You are a top boy."
"Erm, Mr Hardworking bloke, It ain't over till the fat lady is in the corner belting out some tunes and you have the queens in your grubby scratcher"
"General, what the fuck does that mean?"

"There's no way that kid is gonna pay the bloke General, you've been blagged pal" says juice boy as he confidently swigs from his Robinsons bottle.
"Juice boy, au contrere my son, this is a done deal. I have arranged for both lads to come in on Wednesday night, the deal is done, the lad gets cautioned, everyone is happy. No need for conditional caution, charges and that, we are all happy."
"You are trying to broker a deal between two parties, one of which only has one brain cell."
"Fok off Juice boy before I punch your chin off...you skinny juice drinkin fuc"
"no Gen. I didn't mean you, I meant scrap metal boy. He's thick...Oh and I just saw him drive away in a van which belongs to aggressive rough diamond scrap metal bloke."
"Oh no."

Aggressive rough diamond scrap metal bloke will now be referred to as ARD SMB because it takes too long to type. He is referred to as such due to the fact that he has a twinkly blue eyed gaze, which has a nasty streak to it. He goes from jovial banter to aggressive bastard very very quickly. He has a rough diamond image and gives it the chatter all the time. But he would steal your old nans false teeth if he had the chance and I fuckin loathe him. I have an idea that the feeling is mutual.

Fat scrap metal thief bloke is exactly as it says on the tin. But he has never been in trouble with us before and he is 18. I liked him.

Wednesday. 1830hrs. The nick.
Ring Ring..."General, its the kindly front office lady here, you have two gentlemen here asking for you...I should also tell you that ARD SMB is here too, grinning from ear to ear. He just asked me if I wanted to buy a Ford Escort off him for a monkey. General, whats a monkey?"
"Kindly front office lady, tell the gentlemen to take a seat. A monkey is a hairy primate which lives in the jungles of the rain forest and sometimes in south American countries. Can you tell the gent known as ARD SMB to fuck off home for me please?(I only thought that bit)"

Juice boy sat there, writing, with a smug look on his young skinny boat. "told yer"
I wondered if I threw my pen hard enough at him whether the ball point could actually pierce his skin. I thought better of it because he would have cried.

"Hello Gents. Thankyou for coming, please come this way..."
"DC Gen'ral I want my representative to come too, he is my boss called ARD SMB.He has the money too."
"O.K. Hello ARD SMB, long time no see..."
"I know. Thankfully."

"So lads, lets get this done. This is the victim, Mr HARD WORKING BLOKE. HWB meet SMTB, he wants to pay you the money for stealing your car."

"He aint paying the money until you rip up the caution. You seized his car which he has to pay for to get back from the police pound and you are givin 'im a criminal record. So fuck you, we aint paying £500 quid to no-one. We will pay £200, thats it. Oh and you gotta pay for 'is car to be released as well."
"Look ARD SMB I am not negotiating with you. You are not involved in this case and I can tell you that I will not be paying for your associates car to be released."
"Your man aint 'avin 'is money then"
"Please leave the Police station ARD SMB, your presence is not welcome here."
"Look SMTB. A caution is not a criminal conviction, despite what your idiot friend has told you."
"I'm not signing it"

"I'm really sorry Mr HARD WORKING BLOKE. It wasn't meant to be like this"
"It's ok Gen, I understand. Ring me when it's sorted."

"Hello, SMTB, this is the conditional cautioning PC here...before I start the meeting with the CPS, are you agreeing to pay the victim his £500?"
"No Fuck him. My mate ARD SMB, says don't pay nuffin' because you are giving me a criminal record and there's nuffin in it for me"
"CPS says if you don't then you will be charged"
"fuck them too. charge me then."

1800hrs. Day of charge.
"Young scrap metal thief bloke, you were such a nice lad when we first met, now you have turned into this seasoned ciminal kid with a bad attitude.I think it's because you are with ARD SMB. You were eligible for a caution but now, congratulations, you are walking out of the nick with a charge. You are acting like it is a certificate of achievement. And because you admitted it on interview, you will be convicted. Then you can wear your conviction like a badge of honour."

I'm afraid we may have lost this one. And I was annoyed about it.I was annoyed that the pull of the older criminal, worked better than the sense of an honest cop. I want to keep the bad ones to the bad side and the good ones to the good side, but I was annoyed that I had lost a good kid. The trouble now is that I believe in the balance of things, so I am looking for a score to settle, one to bring back to the good side so to speak. To even things up and restore the status quo.

Juice boy smiled. I shook his hand. I wrote up my pocket book, my mind thinking of the poor end to a good job.

"Don't worry Gen. He will come. He's on our list. Can I make you a cup of tea or shall we go and get a bag of chips?"

"Chips sound good kid. Lets go, it's your shout."

Friday, October 06, 2006


Real men say sorry.

"General, the phone for you, I think it's the property lady"
"cheers juice boy"
"hiya property lady everything okay?"
"No. Not really no. You sent a package to the office which contained needles and they weren't packaged properly and did not have biohazard tape on them, you left £750 cash in the main store instead of the safe and you didn't put a tag on the property bag to say you wanted it left in the temporary store."
"I'm really sorry. The only excuse I can give is that I have been working some really long hours recently and on the night of this drug dealer job, the property was the last thing I had to deal with before I went home. It was my 10th day on duty and I had worked 15 hours..."
"Not my problem General. I suggest you come over and sort it out now otherwise my boss will be on to your boss"
"Ok, I'm coming now, sorry"

"General! General!You have four people returning back from bail today and you have not updated the custody sergeant to say what's happening with them. You've got to go and sort it out now. By the way, the custody inspector wants to see you, he's sent an email to your boss for non-compliance with the '48 hours before bail returns tell the custody sergeant'rule."
"Thanks for the warning custody assistant boy"
"I'd go and do it now General, oh and its Sergeant loud voice on duty today"

For the purpose of this blog, Sergeant Loud Voice will be referred to as such, due to his ability to go from a friendly, affable kind of chap, to the scariest, baddest, angriest bloke in the world. He can shout so loud that he could make your eyes bleed and he could give you permanent tinitus. Luckily for me, he is a good colleague and he likes my copper style. Or so I thought.

"Hey Loud voice, I would like to offer my sincere apologies for not informing you of the status of my bailers who are returning today. I have breached the '48 hours before rule' and I'm sorry. Please would you allow me to explain?"

Time literally stood still as loud voice slowly turned to face me. I realised that as I had been talking to him, that he had a phone pressed to his left ear, out of my line of sight. The content of the call was obviously important. He screwed his eyes up and cocked his head to the left in order to hear better but I had ruined it already. I prepared myself to be berated. As quick as a flash, I could hear him say to his telephone caller..."Hold on a moment please.." as he cupped his hand over the receiver and turned to me. I saw a reddening of his skin on his neck, just over the white of his shirt collar.

"Will you fuck off out of my office now!...I'm on the fucking phone!"

Now, the hair on my head is only 2mm long and I swear that he made it move, purely with the volume of his voice.

As I walked towards the custody door leading to the police station corridor, worried looking police officers scurried to the door towards me, "General, is someone playing up down custody?"
"No lads, that was Sergeant loud voice bollocking me"

"General, the phone for you, think it's Mrs General"
"thanks juice boy"
"Hey sweetie, have you got any kind words for me because everyone hates me today?"
"No. You left the iron on this morning and you left a wet towel on the floor upstairs. You woke me up last night when you got home and I only asked you to do one thing this week which was post a letter and I found it in the back pocket of your jeans which I have washed. You need to get home at a reasonable time tonight, I mean it...and start acting like a responsible adult partner instead of a twat, you twat."
"sorry love. I did clean the windows last Sunday though."
"Correction, you cleaned the downstairs front window and left the rest because you went to the pub. Get it right general. Be home on time tonight, I mean it. We need to talk about some stuff. I haven't seen you for 11 days, I've forgotten what you look like"
"I'm the good looking bloke who pays the mortgage you moaning cow.."
"Yep. And I'm the good-looking cow who's going to run off with the milkman if you don't get your shit together."
"See you at 4"
"Is that AM or PM?"
"Very funny Mrs General. AM."

"Hello baby general...how's my little girl today then?"
"Am I going to see you tonight daddy or are you going to be at work...again?"
"well, I hope I will be able to see you. You know that daddy is a policeman and that sometimes I can't get home when I want to because daddy has to catch the baddies, so that you and your friends can be safe. Firemen and nurses and doctors and ambulance men are the same. Your friend Bethany at school, her dad is a policeman, I bet her dad isn't there all the time?"
"I don't care about Bethanys dad, I love you and I miss you and I want to see you. Please don't arrest any baddies today daddy. Come home and I will draw you a picture. Maybe we can watch Narnia or play dollies?"
"Ok kiddo, daddy will try and be home tonight, I promise."
"will you be taking me to school in the morning daddy?"
"erm no chicken, daddy has got to be in early in the morning to lock up a baddy."

"Gen...all the troops are going for a piss-up in the city tonight, you coming? You said you were a week ago?"
"erm no...not tonight mate...I havent spent much time at home recently and I need to be the family man again"
"Fuck that you girl, come out. You work hard don't ya? Tell your missus you will see her at the weekend and come out on the lash with the boys. I won't tell the lads you are under the thumb, you Korma eating shandy-swiller"
"As attractive as the prospect of some beer drinking is, on this particular occasion, the general must say nay..."
"Thought you was supposed to be a player, a top tec', hard livin, hard drinkin an all that, you pussy"
"I will not buckle under the peer pressure my friend. You will have forgotten about my non-attendance after pint number two and I will be king of the world at my crib, with my good lady and my kid."

"Hey Mrs General, what would you do if I asked if I could go out drinking tonight with the boys?"
"Try it and find out."

"Hey mom, how are you?"
"Oh you remembered you had a mom then? I'm surprised you remembered the phone number"
"Sorry mom. I've been really busy recently.I still love you though and I had a dream the other night that you came to my house and cleaned the windows, It was really vivid, then you cooked me some sunday dinner"
"you can bugger off if you think I'm cleaning your windows for you, I'm too old for that now. Sunday dinner, hmmm, now that would be easier. "
"It was just a dream mom. I didn't mean for you to do it for me"
"I know you. You have a persuasive gift. Have you spoken to your brothers recently?"
"Well you should. They've got things to tell you so ring them please?"
"Mom...is there something wrong with their own telephone dialling finger then?"
"just do it and stop back-answering"
"You're as bad as your bloody father"

1555hrs. I kid you not.
"Gen...we just had an armed robbery come in on your patch. A jewellers just got done. Better ring Mrs General and tell her to feed your tea to the dog...or the milkman"
"You are fucking kidding me?"
"nope. The D.I. is on the phone, he wants you to go to the scene and start the fast-track stuff."
"oh no."

"Listen Mrs Gen, I'm really sorry, we have just had an armed blag. I will try and get finished by 8, I'll tell the gaffer it's my 11th day on and he should be fine, I'm sorry babe"

Anyone got a spare room? It's cold in this dog house :(

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