Intelligence Detective.

Thursday this week when I came to work, I made myself a cup of tea, booked on and walked down the block to see if I had anyone in custody to deal with. I mainly deal with prisoners for burglary, vehicle crime and possession and supply of class A drugs.

Imagine my surprise, when after greeting the on-duty custody skipper, I looked on the whiteboard to see a name which made me look harder and smile. It was none other than shorty.

"General, you dealing with shorty?"
"Whats he in for Sarge?"
"Shoplifting times two, possession of heroin...oh and the other CID want him for a street robbery"
"How much smack did he have on him skip?"
"Two bags. One rolled around his knob under his foreskin and a bigger bag up his chuff"
"mmm nice...Erm and how long is it since shorty bathed sarge? ha ha. I'm glad I wasn't the one looking up his hoop for a change.."
"I know...the lad who nicked him was a tutor so he got the proby to do it, poor kid... Still, now he knows the score doesn't he general? he he he"
"yes Sarge, he does now."
"Thats him kicking and banging the cell, he's been doing it all night apparently... the other prisoners want to kick the shit out of him...they've had no sleep"
"Let them then Sarge, its all on camera so we could even get some detections for violent crime in the process...the D.I. would be happy..."

The CID in the suits dealt with him because he was a suspect for a street robbery where he pulled a knife out on a 14 year-old lad and stole his phone. He was kept in custody and they applied for a remand because he was on bail for other things and the lad picked him out on an I.D. video parade. Good lad, well done. My mate who shall be known as SHREK on account of his scary looking Fizog, dealt with him.

SHREK is a grizzly, crag -faced ugly mutha who scares children when they look at him. He was a coal-miner before he was a copper and he has hands that are so big, he could fit one nicely round my neck, which he has, on occasion, taken pleasure in doing. He came into my office and I made him a brew. He told me that in all the 23 years he had been on CID, he had not met such a vile creature as shorty. He said that shorty growled at him when they first met in the cell corridoor when SHREK introduced himself to try and get the rapport going.

"General..he fuckin growled at me! The kids only two foot tall. The little fraggle."
"..he's a two foot fraggle who carries a blade, high on crack n smack though SHREK...he's the worst kind"
"He gave a completely silent interview. Even his brief thinks he's a knob."
"hmmm. He hates us SHREK. He called me some names in front of my missus and kid last weekend and scared my 7-year old shitless, staring at her."
"You fuckin what?" Said SHREK. His piercing blue eyes stared at me from under his dark, furrowed brow. He didn't blink, never looked away. "say that to me again?"
"Honestly...I was annoyed for days afterwards but days like today make it all right again you know? He was provoking me and who knows? he may have had the knife on him that time and you could be putting your best black tie on today and throwing dirt on my coffin, pretending to sing in church and that..."
"I wouldn't come to your wake anyway, none of your crew can drink. They're too busy putting wax on their hair and buying trainers...."
"I'd have given the kid to me wife and banjoed the fraggle there and then, simple as."
"yeah, then got arrested for assault, suspended, convicted and have some big Yardie boys introducing themselves to you on reception..."
"They don't like miners"

Later on Friday (Yesterday) I was down the same block, dealing with another matter when the escort services people came to pick up shorty. He had had the doctor out who had given him 2 DHC's (dihydrocodeine) for his turkey and he was rattling. I saw him through a large glass window which separated us. He stared at me again. He would not look away. He didn't blink when the boys were putting the handcuffs on him to take him away. He smirked at me. A black toothed, dirty smirk like he knew something about me. I looked back at him. I walked towards the block and opened the door, he was staring at me, waiting to say something.

"shorty, you want a drink before you go? water or something?..." I thought I'd give the respect thing one last try.
"Fuck you. Stick it up your arse"

I walked away thinking...no, that's what will be happening to you when you get to Winson Green if you don't learn to zip it...

As he walked out of the door, he turned round and made a cut-throat gesture towards me.

SHREK called me today to say that shorty had been remanded. He said "next time that 'appens, you should talk to me General..."
"no need mate" said I.
"I have friends from all over the world giving me advice now..."
"Eh?" said SHREK.

Thanks for the advice you lot. keep it coming.