Thursday, September 14, 2006


General grumpy learns to smile again...

Now I know that none of you know me, but I am usually a happy-go-lucky kind of kid. I can roll with the punches with the best of them and I class change as a friend of mine, but just lately, I feel a bit grumpy.

Well, not just a bit grumpy, a lot grumpy.

Usually when I'm grumpy, I soul-search and attribute my grumpiness to the following categories:

1. I'm tired.
2. I'm hungry.
3. I haven't had much sex lately.
4. People are treating me like a chimp at work.
5. All of the above.

1-3 are only short-term problems which usually require only a small amount of effort to address. 5 turns me into the Incredible Hulk.

4 is the snag. 4 makes me grumpy.

I woke up in my sleep the other night at about half two, sweating, having had a dream that my boss cut the tongue out of my head in a meeting in front of everyone who just stood there looking at me going "ooh, that must've hurt..." Claret was gushing out of my dish and nobody helped me. It was a sign.

I came to work and opened up my computer to find that I had inherited even more crimes to investigate than I had the day before when I specifically said that I could not physically cope with any more work. I have so many enquiries on the go at the moment, I am running out of brain space to take on the next one. I am on the crew that delivers performance, day in, day out, so I am heavily relied upon by those above to provide the results that they can then claim as their own and bathe in the glory thereof. But I understand my position. I work hard. I play hard.

I decided to close my computer back down and say " fuck it.I'm not going to phone any victims today, they can bite me. And I'm not investigating one more thing until some fucker starts listening to me.."

I turned to my good mate and partner, who, for the sake of this blog shall forever be known as Juice boy on account of his penchant for always drinking juice.

" Fuck this juice boy, I'm vexed. We can't sustain this pressure any longer, we've got to go and talk to our skipper"
"want me to book you in to Flint House General?"
" Thanks a lot Juice boy. I'll remember to kick you in the plums next time your'e down"
" Least I've got some plums and not marlies..."
" I mean it Juice boy, this is shit. We need help. Human help too, not computers, new chairs or some new forms to complete"
" there are no more humans to help us, they are all off whith stress General.."
" Right, thats it juice boy, I'm going to smash your head off the desk if you don't make me a brew..."
" You should try juice, it's good for you."

The next thing I knew, we have a prisoner to deal with. I walked down the block and met this kid who had just been pulled from his bed and brought in. It is 0812hrs.
" Hello kid. I'm General. I'll be spending the morning with you. You want a hot drink?"
"no. I need to smoke some draw."
" It's ten past eight in the morning.How many sugars you want in your tea?"
" five."
" are you serious? You will have no teeth left, no way am I being held responsible for your dental decay"
" OK. Four and a half then."
" Juice boy...can you make this kid a drink, I'm off to find a sword to throw myself on"
" you should try juice mate...much better for you than tea..."

My DS is a top man and that is fact. He is a good friend to me which is usually the way with DC's and their DS. I would take a bullet for him, that is how much I admire him. So being the good friend and line manager that he is, I let him have it with both barrels later that day.

My DS shall be known for the purpose of this post as "wise bloke" on account of his wisdom of course.

" wise bloke, I am unhappy. I have been telling you for some time now that we have too much work. I told you that I could not take on any more crime and that my brain is poorly. I asked for some help. I wanted some acknowledgement that the cavalry were coming after some well earned R and R. You said it was on the way. You have let me down. I am getting more and more emails from the bosses about performance and the end of year target. But you are setting us up to fail. They are leading from behind. not from the front. They say we are crap instead of showing us the way. And now you take one of the lads off our crew and put them onto the other team? The maths doesn't add up. You need to CONTRIBUTE to the team to get success, NOT REMOVE!"
" General...You are a great detective and a real asset to our division"

" stop blowing smoke up my ass, it won't work"

" You are doing a fantastic job under really difficult conditions. You must take some credit for that...
" look wise bloke, fuck the stuff about how well I am doing, what is being done about the 'difficult conditions'? It is this that needs addressing, not saying well done General you are trying really hard but it is still shit."

" My friend General. It concerns me that one of the Wayne Rooneys of my team has just stood and knocked on the managers door and said 'boss I ain't happy at United"
" Fuckin get some human beings in to help us then wise bloke. And not some thick fuckers either. Someone with a fuckin brain in their skull would help. Sorry for shouting but at the end of the year when our crew hasn't reached the target then it will be " general, why didn't YOU get the target?""
" I do understand General but we won't be getting any more humans. You are it. Fuck them. Let the wheel fall off. Maybe they will set some achievable targets next year without putting half the division off sick with stress"
" They can stick their job up their arse. If they can find any other person who can do the job better than us then they can have my job and I will fuck off somewhere else, I don't give a fuck."
" Now that would be a real loss. I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to do anything other than what you are already doing, very very well. I will bugle the cavalry personally and have them releive you in your trench, my comrade."
" you're a knob you are sarge."

" Now get out of my office before I start to cry. And get me a cup of tea before I tell the team what a moaning twat you are."

I came home that day after another 13-hour shift and did what I normally do when I am grumpy. I shouted at my girlfriend. Then apologised for being a complete tool. Then went to bed.

I woke up the next day feeling brighter. I had had the opportunity to speak with another wise man before I went to bed. For the sake of this blog he shall forever be known as dad, on account of his sperm which made me.

Dad said, " son. you have created a problem within yourself which you needn't have. Do not concentrate on the unseen problem which is over the horizon, the 'end of the year target'. Concentrate on the problem of today and deal with that. That is what I expect of you and that is what all the law-abiding people expect of you. You cannot make a silk purse out of a pigs ear. Do not overburden yourself with the inefficiencies and ineptitude of others. Be your own man, make a difference to the good and give shit to the toe-rags and you will not go wrong, I promise you son."

"thanks dad. I love you you know?"

" I love you too son. Keep your chin up and stay safe."
" I will dad."

Strangely enough, I find that writing this stuff on this blog helps me to keep these things in perspective. I've not been grumpy since and I even sang a few tunes today.

Been reading this for a while now. I like what you write and most of the times it makes me giggle, even when you're grumpy. I hope you're now smiling properly and trying more tunes...Have a good week...
Lady, you are most kind.

I havent done any this week because I've been too happy, spending all my time whistling and singing songs.

Ta for the shout out.
Ta for the compliment re my blog, nice to be appreciated by someone who knows the ropes...
My, oh my...good to know that there are some happy souls out there singing for the depressed minds. Well, I do hope you stay that way...

And by calling me Lady you make me feel flattered, old and it sounds like someone I know. Ohhh...dunno about that last one!!!
Your blog is now doing the rounds of the Police Service of Northern Ireland-so far its striking a cord with everyone-keep it going!
reading your stories always leaves you wanting for more, excellent writing and "saying it how it is" comes over very well. I look forward to the next one. Have a great Xmas and New Year
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