Intelligence Detective.

"Young man, can I just say what a pleasure it is to hear an offender admit his crime and be responsible for his own actions...and you'd like to pay the victim £500 for the value of his car that you stole from the side of the road, put onto your scrap metal lorry and took to the scrap yard without asking?"
"erm yeah."
"My victim, "Mr HARDWORKING BLOKE" will be very pleased to hear this. Do you mind if I phone him and tell him?"
"Please do. I am sorry for the trouble I have caused and I fully admit this crime. I want to pay the money back to hardworking bloke for the value of the car I stole"

"Hello Hardworking bloke, General here...just ringing with some good news really...I locked up fat scrap metal thief bloke and guess what? he admitted the offence on interview and even better...he wants to pay you the money back, for the value of your car which he sold for scrap. I'm fucking ace aren't I?"

"Gen. I'm astounded. You are truly a fuckin top detective bloke. You managed to crack this young man with your interrogation skills and stealthy cop style?"
"well..erm..yes of course...well.. that and the kid just coughed it there and then because he has never been in trouble with the police before and he was a bit scared"
"amazing. And he wants to give me 500 nicker too?"
"yep. Shall I set up a meeting so that the kid can truly purge his soul and face you the victim? You could also put a face to the crime and be less worried?"
"Gen, thats a great idea. I thought I'd get nothing. You are a top boy."
"Erm, Mr Hardworking bloke, It ain't over till the fat lady is in the corner belting out some tunes and you have the queens in your grubby scratcher"
"General, what the fuck does that mean?"

"There's no way that kid is gonna pay the bloke General, you've been blagged pal" says juice boy as he confidently swigs from his Robinsons bottle.
"Juice boy, au contrere my son, this is a done deal. I have arranged for both lads to come in on Wednesday night, the deal is done, the lad gets cautioned, everyone is happy. No need for conditional caution, charges and that, we are all happy."
"You are trying to broker a deal between two parties, one of which only has one brain cell."
"Fok off Juice boy before I punch your chin off...you skinny juice drinkin fuc"
"no Gen. I didn't mean you, I meant scrap metal boy. He's thick...Oh and I just saw him drive away in a van which belongs to aggressive rough diamond scrap metal bloke."
"Oh no."

Aggressive rough diamond scrap metal bloke will now be referred to as ARD SMB because it takes too long to type. He is referred to as such due to the fact that he has a twinkly blue eyed gaze, which has a nasty streak to it. He goes from jovial banter to aggressive bastard very very quickly. He has a rough diamond image and gives it the chatter all the time. But he would steal your old nans false teeth if he had the chance and I fuckin loathe him. I have an idea that the feeling is mutual.

Fat scrap metal thief bloke is exactly as it says on the tin. But he has never been in trouble with us before and he is 18. I liked him.

Wednesday. 1830hrs. The nick.
Ring Ring..."General, its the kindly front office lady here, you have two gentlemen here asking for you...I should also tell you that ARD SMB is here too, grinning from ear to ear. He just asked me if I wanted to buy a Ford Escort off him for a monkey. General, whats a monkey?"
"Kindly front office lady, tell the gentlemen to take a seat. A monkey is a hairy primate which lives in the jungles of the rain forest and sometimes in south American countries. Can you tell the gent known as ARD SMB to fuck off home for me please?(I only thought that bit)"

Juice boy sat there, writing, with a smug look on his young skinny boat. "told yer"
I wondered if I threw my pen hard enough at him whether the ball point could actually pierce his skin. I thought better of it because he would have cried.

"Hello Gents. Thankyou for coming, please come this way..."
"DC Gen'ral I want my representative to come too, he is my boss called ARD SMB.He has the money too."
"O.K. Hello ARD SMB, long time no see..."
"I know. Thankfully."

"So lads, lets get this done. This is the victim, Mr HARD WORKING BLOKE. HWB meet SMTB, he wants to pay you the money for stealing your car."

"He aint paying the money until you rip up the caution. You seized his car which he has to pay for to get back from the police pound and you are givin 'im a criminal record. So fuck you, we aint paying £500 quid to no-one. We will pay £200, thats it. Oh and you gotta pay for 'is car to be released as well."
"Look ARD SMB I am not negotiating with you. You are not involved in this case and I can tell you that I will not be paying for your associates car to be released."
"Your man aint 'avin 'is money then"
"Please leave the Police station ARD SMB, your presence is not welcome here."
"Look SMTB. A caution is not a criminal conviction, despite what your idiot friend has told you."
"I'm not signing it"

"I'm really sorry Mr HARD WORKING BLOKE. It wasn't meant to be like this"
"It's ok Gen, I understand. Ring me when it's sorted."

"Hello, SMTB, this is the conditional cautioning PC here...before I start the meeting with the CPS, are you agreeing to pay the victim his £500?"
"No Fuck him. My mate ARD SMB, says don't pay nuffin' because you are giving me a criminal record and there's nuffin in it for me"
"CPS says if you don't then you will be charged"
"fuck them too. charge me then."

1800hrs. Day of charge.
"Young scrap metal thief bloke, you were such a nice lad when we first met, now you have turned into this seasoned ciminal kid with a bad attitude.I think it's because you are with ARD SMB. You were eligible for a caution but now, congratulations, you are walking out of the nick with a charge. You are acting like it is a certificate of achievement. And because you admitted it on interview, you will be convicted. Then you can wear your conviction like a badge of honour."

I'm afraid we may have lost this one. And I was annoyed about it.I was annoyed that the pull of the older criminal, worked better than the sense of an honest cop. I want to keep the bad ones to the bad side and the good ones to the good side, but I was annoyed that I had lost a good kid. The trouble now is that I believe in the balance of things, so I am looking for a score to settle, one to bring back to the good side so to speak. To even things up and restore the status quo.

Juice boy smiled. I shook his hand. I wrote up my pocket book, my mind thinking of the poor end to a good job.

"Don't worry Gen. He will come. He's on our list. Can I make you a cup of tea or shall we go and get a bag of chips?"

"Chips sound good kid. Lets go, it's your shout."