Friday, October 06, 2006


Real men say sorry.

"General, the phone for you, I think it's the property lady"
"cheers juice boy"
"hiya property lady everything okay?"
"No. Not really no. You sent a package to the office which contained needles and they weren't packaged properly and did not have biohazard tape on them, you left £750 cash in the main store instead of the safe and you didn't put a tag on the property bag to say you wanted it left in the temporary store."
"I'm really sorry. The only excuse I can give is that I have been working some really long hours recently and on the night of this drug dealer job, the property was the last thing I had to deal with before I went home. It was my 10th day on duty and I had worked 15 hours..."
"Not my problem General. I suggest you come over and sort it out now otherwise my boss will be on to your boss"
"Ok, I'm coming now, sorry"

"General! General!You have four people returning back from bail today and you have not updated the custody sergeant to say what's happening with them. You've got to go and sort it out now. By the way, the custody inspector wants to see you, he's sent an email to your boss for non-compliance with the '48 hours before bail returns tell the custody sergeant'rule."
"Thanks for the warning custody assistant boy"
"I'd go and do it now General, oh and its Sergeant loud voice on duty today"

For the purpose of this blog, Sergeant Loud Voice will be referred to as such, due to his ability to go from a friendly, affable kind of chap, to the scariest, baddest, angriest bloke in the world. He can shout so loud that he could make your eyes bleed and he could give you permanent tinitus. Luckily for me, he is a good colleague and he likes my copper style. Or so I thought.

"Hey Loud voice, I would like to offer my sincere apologies for not informing you of the status of my bailers who are returning today. I have breached the '48 hours before rule' and I'm sorry. Please would you allow me to explain?"

Time literally stood still as loud voice slowly turned to face me. I realised that as I had been talking to him, that he had a phone pressed to his left ear, out of my line of sight. The content of the call was obviously important. He screwed his eyes up and cocked his head to the left in order to hear better but I had ruined it already. I prepared myself to be berated. As quick as a flash, I could hear him say to his telephone caller..."Hold on a moment please.." as he cupped his hand over the receiver and turned to me. I saw a reddening of his skin on his neck, just over the white of his shirt collar.

"Will you fuck off out of my office now!...I'm on the fucking phone!"

Now, the hair on my head is only 2mm long and I swear that he made it move, purely with the volume of his voice.

As I walked towards the custody door leading to the police station corridor, worried looking police officers scurried to the door towards me, "General, is someone playing up down custody?"
"No lads, that was Sergeant loud voice bollocking me"

"General, the phone for you, think it's Mrs General"
"thanks juice boy"
"Hey sweetie, have you got any kind words for me because everyone hates me today?"
"No. You left the iron on this morning and you left a wet towel on the floor upstairs. You woke me up last night when you got home and I only asked you to do one thing this week which was post a letter and I found it in the back pocket of your jeans which I have washed. You need to get home at a reasonable time tonight, I mean it...and start acting like a responsible adult partner instead of a twat, you twat."
"sorry love. I did clean the windows last Sunday though."
"Correction, you cleaned the downstairs front window and left the rest because you went to the pub. Get it right general. Be home on time tonight, I mean it. We need to talk about some stuff. I haven't seen you for 11 days, I've forgotten what you look like"
"I'm the good looking bloke who pays the mortgage you moaning cow.."
"Yep. And I'm the good-looking cow who's going to run off with the milkman if you don't get your shit together."
"See you at 4"
"Is that AM or PM?"
"Very funny Mrs General. AM."

"Hello baby's my little girl today then?"
"Am I going to see you tonight daddy or are you going to be at work...again?"
"well, I hope I will be able to see you. You know that daddy is a policeman and that sometimes I can't get home when I want to because daddy has to catch the baddies, so that you and your friends can be safe. Firemen and nurses and doctors and ambulance men are the same. Your friend Bethany at school, her dad is a policeman, I bet her dad isn't there all the time?"
"I don't care about Bethanys dad, I love you and I miss you and I want to see you. Please don't arrest any baddies today daddy. Come home and I will draw you a picture. Maybe we can watch Narnia or play dollies?"
"Ok kiddo, daddy will try and be home tonight, I promise."
"will you be taking me to school in the morning daddy?"
"erm no chicken, daddy has got to be in early in the morning to lock up a baddy."

"Gen...all the troops are going for a piss-up in the city tonight, you coming? You said you were a week ago?"
"erm no...not tonight mate...I havent spent much time at home recently and I need to be the family man again"
"Fuck that you girl, come out. You work hard don't ya? Tell your missus you will see her at the weekend and come out on the lash with the boys. I won't tell the lads you are under the thumb, you Korma eating shandy-swiller"
"As attractive as the prospect of some beer drinking is, on this particular occasion, the general must say nay..."
"Thought you was supposed to be a player, a top tec', hard livin, hard drinkin an all that, you pussy"
"I will not buckle under the peer pressure my friend. You will have forgotten about my non-attendance after pint number two and I will be king of the world at my crib, with my good lady and my kid."

"Hey Mrs General, what would you do if I asked if I could go out drinking tonight with the boys?"
"Try it and find out."

"Hey mom, how are you?"
"Oh you remembered you had a mom then? I'm surprised you remembered the phone number"
"Sorry mom. I've been really busy recently.I still love you though and I had a dream the other night that you came to my house and cleaned the windows, It was really vivid, then you cooked me some sunday dinner"
"you can bugger off if you think I'm cleaning your windows for you, I'm too old for that now. Sunday dinner, hmmm, now that would be easier. "
"It was just a dream mom. I didn't mean for you to do it for me"
"I know you. You have a persuasive gift. Have you spoken to your brothers recently?"
"Well you should. They've got things to tell you so ring them please?"
" there something wrong with their own telephone dialling finger then?"
"just do it and stop back-answering"
"You're as bad as your bloody father"

1555hrs. I kid you not.
"Gen...we just had an armed robbery come in on your patch. A jewellers just got done. Better ring Mrs General and tell her to feed your tea to the dog...or the milkman"
"You are fucking kidding me?"
"nope. The D.I. is on the phone, he wants you to go to the scene and start the fast-track stuff."
"oh no."

"Listen Mrs Gen, I'm really sorry, we have just had an armed blag. I will try and get finished by 8, I'll tell the gaffer it's my 11th day on and he should be fine, I'm sorry babe"

Anyone got a spare room? It's cold in this dog house :(

General, every now and then you write a post that really does crack me up, like this one.

I know it's probably not really funny as it's more than likely the exact truth. Have you ever seen the movie FALLING DOWN with Michael Douglas.
As for Sergeant loud voice, well he must have a double life, unless we work in the same nick that is.
We also have a sergeant soft voice who leads probies into a false sense of security that he must be all meek and mild and he wont be a problem if they f**ck up. Don't you just love old school custody Sergeants.
All I can say is with the amount of hours you are working you can look forward to a good retirement.
Still if those like you did't do what you do, the job would fall apart at the seams.

All dog houses are cold my friend, i would offer you a place in mine but today is not a good day for guests....

If the job will not play ball, and re-inforcments are not in the pipe line, perhaps a trip away while you are poorly-sick with mrs and baby G will help lighten this particular load?
I can only hope it gets better for you and your comrades.

Take care.
The doghouse isn't so bad, no phones, no windows to clean, no baddies or custody sergeants and you don't have to fight for the duvet!!
The real problem here is that you have to apologise for something that is not even your fault. You don't get the detections they want because there is not enough people to work with you, yet you're the one who has to say sorry. You don't get to go home to see Mrs G or baby G again because there is not enough people to do the job, yet you have to say sorry. As for Sergeant Loud Voice, sounds like someone in my office. The only difference is I'm a girl...and I cry and people turn mean and shout at me. Only sometimes though.
And I agree with deliriousdoris. She has a point...or more like a few points about the dogshouse. But if it's cold I can offer you a spare duvet... :-)
Cheer up...

I enjoy what you write. Maybe it's because I work in a similar department.
I have seen lots of colleagues break up with their partners in the last 10 years, including myself sometime ago.
The shifts and hours play a big part in that.
Now I have a lovely wife and 2 great kids I try much harder to put them first, and say no to the overtime if I can.
Where are you my friend?
Is it lethargy, or overwork?
I reckon he's quite liking it in the Dog House!!!

Oi General! We need more posts!!!!
Probably spending all that cash from the OT. Or have you gone on a 2 week bender with the lads?
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tut tut!! That's a very sexist remark pc south west!! Us girls can do benders too you know! .... although admittedly some of us can't keep up with the pace these days!!!

As for the General, has your typing finger dropped off?? Or (horrors!) have the big chiefs discovered you?

P.S. Sorry about the deleted comment ... wasn't anything interesting .... just clicked the wrong thing and made it disappear ... ooops!
I am here, I just had a word with god the other day and asked him to put a few more hours into the day so there would be some more for me to work, but as usual, he didn't bother to answer me either. I have got lots to say but not enough time to say it. Work is taking over my life lately and when I'm not doing that, I'm laying down some quality with my family. I'm there don't worry, watching, waiting, in the just don't know it.
I'm surprised you have time to write this!!
However your comments are funny, you have a way of telling the truth but in a light hearted way.
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